


let go of the wheel (how could you be that girl i knew)

by chasingtragedy



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Doctor Clarke, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Heartbreak, Major Character Injury, Past Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Slow Burn, Soldier Lexa, Substance Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-03-02 01:34:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13307625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chasingtragedy/pseuds/chasingtragedy
Summary: “Just remember that even though you were in the Navy, doesn’t mean you’re invincible.”“Why did you have to break her, Lexa?”“You’re just a damn coward, Woods.”“You’re the strongest sister I could’ve asked for.”“You’ve done more than enough for me Alexandria.”“I can’t believe Clarke fell for such an asshole like you, Lexa.”“How could you be that girl I knew?”“Out of everyone, I know you’re the best for her despite what they all say.”Alexandria Woods never meant to break Clarke. She never meant to leave and abandon the dreams they both had planned out. Lexa never meant to fall in love, but she did. And now, she’s back after five years having to accept the terms that none of them are the young, hopeful teenagers they all were. She has to accept the fact that Clarke Griffin may no longer be her forever because she ran when she said she was strong.





	1. Chapter I

**Author's Note:**

> hi, yes, I suck at updating my other fic, but I needed to get this out there because it's been bugging me since my friend talked to me about her being enlisted in the Navy. there may be a bit iffy moments I suppose in the fic, but hopefully not too heavy to need warnings. I may still provide just in case. anyways! please enjoy and don't be afraid to leave comments or anything (: (please don't kill me for any errors)

_“You can’t be serious! You’re leaving?”_

 

_“Clarke—”_

 

_“Don’t even start! You’re leaving now? Out of all the times it could be?”_

 

_“You know I have to do this!”_

 

_“Do what? Leave?! Yes, I understand why, but I don’t get why it has to be this way.”_

 

_“Please, I can’t leave like this.”_

 

_“Oh, where I’m pissed at you for your stupid decision?”_

 

_“This is it, Clarke.”_

 

_“Don’t think I’ll be waiting.”_

 

~+~+~+~+~

 

This is it, Lexa supposes. Back to the city where everything started and ended with a quick spark and dark ash. The “City of Love” is what she used to see it as. It’s not as grand as Paris. It’s not as classy or cliche, but Lexa saw it like that. She wanted to believe in something like that because life seemed a bit more worthwhile and breathless. Oh, how wrong she was. Because when she looks out the towering windows she only sees smog and hopeless dreams of something akin to forever. Five years away can do that she supposes.

 

With a sigh, she lugs her carry on bag over her shoulder and looks out for two figures she assumes should already be here. There’s families reuniting, couples making promises, and the occasional loner much like herself. The airport is the most bittersweet place anyone could be in. All Lexa thinks about is the gleefully anticipating moment of seeing a special person only having to be torn apart not too long later. It’s terrible in her opinion. A terrible place.

 

“Hey, there’s my little squid.” Anya is as sharp edged and snarky as she remembers.

 

“I hope you remember I’ve gotten taller,” Lexa replies and she can’t fight her smile because the woman who has always been an older sister is here wearing that ever present impish smirk. Her heart hasn’t felt this full since—well, since then.

 

“Yeah, yeah, you’ve got another special someone waiting for you,” Anya says and steps to the side to reveal a now sixteen year old Aden. He’s taller for sure, sharp jaw much like herself, but he still looks like her kid brother that stuck his hand in his milk before drinking it.

 

“Lex!” He practically sprints and Lexa lets out a huff of laughter once she’s engulfed. It’s been too long since she’s been home. It’s been so long since she was an actual big sister. They stay like that a moment, and she lets herself enjoy this. Enjoy the fact Anya’s hand is firm and warm on her shoulder. Enjoy that a grown, healthy Aden is in her arms. She just wants to enjoy the simplicity of it all before she knows this will all change once they leave the airport.

 

“Hey you. You’ve grown, huh?” She ruffles his hair and revels in his annoyed puff.

 

“Which is good considering he made the basketball team,” Anya chimes in. Lexa feels a swell of pride in her chest. She’s gotten letters of course. She’s made phone calls, but she can’t help but feel she missed so much. She missed her brother growing up. She missed Anya’s wedding. She missed so many things she should have been apart of. And that ache doesn’t seem like it’ll ever go away.

 

“Yeah, I wanted to tell you on the phone, but I thought it’d be better to just show you the jersey.” Aden zips open his jacket to reveal a familiar shirt.

 

“Number seven just like me,” Lexa is beaming as she takes in the blue jersey with ARKADIA imprinted in white over his number. She remembers high school and dreams and hopes and—just everything.

 

“I was so happy when they gave me my number,” Aden grins at her, eyes ablaze and so, so happy.

 

“I bet so.” Lexa gets a bit too lost in her brother’s eyes, too captivated by the glee found there. Anya gives her shoulder a good smack and push.

 

“C’mon, let’s catch up back at my place, yeah?”

 

After grabbing Lexa’s luggage, they’re all settled in the car. There’s music playing filling the peaceful silence and it’s a perfect time for her to finally get her thoughts together. Because she knows there will be inevitable meetings. Inevitable arguments and bitter comebacks. This is what home has became and this is what she has to deal with. She doesn’t blame anyone but herself for how things have become. She may not have been here for the immediate aftermath, but she’s here for the ashes and anything excited to swallow her up. The city isn’t too different. But, then again, LA is too big of a city to keep track of. There’s constantly new families, new beginnings and endings. New memories and maybe, just maybe she can have ones to smile back on.

 

Lexa fell in love with how the sunset kisses the peaks of mountains, with how the salty ocean mist felt on her skin, and especially with the people she spent night adventures with. They showed her how everything was so alive and dead past 12am in a city like this. There were no such things as stars in the sky. Only the stars on the ground. They were Aden’s age when they ran around at night and ate at 24/7 fast food restaurants. When they all had such huge plans for their future that included everyone. Now, they’re all in their twenties and Lexa wonders if they all still think about their wishful thinking.

 

“They’re not here if you’re wondering,” Anya adds and it does the trick to ease Lexa’s nerves as she settles her stuff in her best friend’s guest room. When she’s back in the living room, Aden is sprawled out across the sofa, TV controller in his hand as he flips through channels. Anya on the other hand seems to be preparing lunch for all of them.

 

“Hey, are you cooking—”

 

“Yes, it’s your favorite lasagna now shut up and let me cook.” Aden peeks over the back of the couch and rolls his eyes. Lexa joins him and lets his legs rest on her lap.

 

“So, how’s school?” Aden actually perks up at that and sits up properly.

 

“It’s actually pretty good, Lex. I’m a sophomore now,” he grins at her, as if he’s proud to no longer be a freshman. Makes sense.

 

“Did you get my favorite teacher?” Lexa absentmindedly cracks his toes and smirks at his wincing with each pop.

 

“Mr. Kane? Yeah! I have him for World History. He lets us watch a lot of documentaries and movies. We gotta answer questions at the same time, but it’s all good.” And he goes on about school. He explains with grand hand gestures about how him and his friends went to homecoming and how he got to dance with the girl he liked. Then, he talks about how tryouts went and lists all their upcoming games; insisting she go to all of them to make up for her lost time. Lexa pretends it doesn’t hurt when he says that.

 

“Alright, chatterbox, let's eat first before talking her ear off,” Anya says with a click of her tongue as she prepares everyone’s plate.

 

They sit in similar peace much like in the car. With scolding to Aden everytime he talks with a full mouth from Anya. This is home, right? This is what this is. All Lexa has known for years is traveling and meeting new people everywhere she goes. Settling down wasn’t really a thing. Financial stability is what they gave her, but not a home. There was no stability in having a home when she was dispatched.  She misses this more than she thought. She misses small talk that might have not meant much before, but is too important to miss now. Lexa can’t possibly explain how much she has missed them.

 

“Oh, Lex, Mom said she wants you to visit soon.” And oh, does that hurt. Lexa’s grip on her fork tightens, her blood stills and she wishes this ache would leave. She thought it would have after she first boarded that plane into a world she never knew.

 

“Did she say when?” If Anya hears the anguish in her voice, she doesn’t say.

 

“No, just said to stop by whenever you could.”

 

That’s the only mention of her Mom after that.

 

~+~+~+~+~

 

It’s nearly 7am when Lexa wakes up from a nightmare. A cold sweat coats her skin, her heart still racing and mind still stuck in that dream haze. She can still hear the sirens, feel the shock wave beneath her feet. Suddenly, she feels sick again. There’s this ongoing race in her mind. There’s this constant fight that she feels like she’ll never leave because it just seems to be what she’s best at. Fighting. It’s exhausting and she feels like she wakes up shitty than refreshed.

 

She pads into the kitchen and grabs a glass of water. While leaning against the counter, she glances around in the dark, taking in her surroundings. The house is furnished well enough and has its basics. There’s some family photos and Aden’s childhood art on the fridge. It may not be much to others, but it’s definitely enough for Anya and her wife. It’s the best place Lexa has slept in since she left the city for bootcamp.

 

The sunrise is already bringing along a new day and going back to sleep is futile at this point. Waking up early is kinda her thing now anyways. So, to be courteous of course, she prepares breakfast.

 

_“Why did you even want to be a cook in the Navy, Derek?” Lexa rubs at her eyes and happily eats her warm food._

 

_“Well, somebody has got to keep you guys fighting and you can’t do that without some good homemade grub,” he grins at her and takes a bite of her breakfast before disappearing into the kitchen with a roaring laugh._

 

Lexa pretends the memory doesn’t cause a pang of pain in her chest. She pretends she doesn’t hear that wailing siren again and pretends she doesn’t see what she saw that day. She pretends, and pretends because if she doesn’t run, then that means breathing and remembering. So, Lexa just continues to stir around the eggs in the pan and inhales the oily scent of bacon. She doesn’t even know if Anya and Aden wake up this early, but they will be.

 

“Wake up!” Lexa screams into each of their room’s and bless the heavens for Anya’s wife not being home. She receives a chorus of groans and a string of curses from her best friend before heading back into the kitchen. It takes longer than she’d like for them to get out of bed, but they do.

 

“Why the fuck did you wake me up?” Anya flips her off, but nonetheless drinks her prepared coffee and grabs a few pieces of bacon and toast.

 

“Well, I was up and thought I’d make my dear family some food.” Aden is the only one who seems grateful and gives her a quick hug before joining Anya at the table.

 

“How about that happens after 9am.” Lexa rolls her eyes, but they all know she won’t listen to the older girl.

 

With a huff and some incoherent mumbling, Anya prepares for the day and disappears into her bathroom. Aden actually helps clean up.

 

“What was it like being in the Navy?” Aden asks right as they land on the sofa. Lexa cracks a smile and shoves away that feeling that’s nagging and insistent.

 

“Definitely something. It’s kind of hard to describe, but just know there’s a lot of hard work. Slacking off and giving up is something you can’t do in the military,” Lexa says and decides to leave it at that. But, she knows that’s not all.

 

“You could go back at any moment though, right?” Lexa’s heart drops. Anya didn’t tell him. She left out the most important reason for why she’s back here. She still feels that weight on her arm. Feels the cutting of her muscle, hears the cry of the metal. She hears it all and suddenly Lexa wants to run away all over again.

 

“Ah, I don’t have to actually. I’m here to stay.” That does the trick for him and he’s grinning at her again.

 

“Could you tell me more stories?”

 

“Maybe, but only if you behave, alright?” He rolls his eyes once again, but it’s endearing and Lexa messes up his hair again.

 

“Alright Lex, you gotta get ready if you want to go house hunting,” Anya says from down the hallway and Lexa complies but leaves a kiss on Aden’s head before doing so.

 

~+~+~+~+~

 

“Ahn, how could you not tell him?” Lexa hisses once they’re buckled up in the car. Anya doesn’t seem fazed by her glare and adjusts the mirror instead.

 

“Look, I didn’t think you’d even want him to know. Also, how do you think he’d feel if the true reason you’re coming back isn’t even for him?” Lexa deserves that dagger thrown at her. But, Anya seems to notice the tension in her jaw and sighs.

 

“I know you care, Lex. But, I know you wouldn’t have came back if it weren’t for that injury. You would’ve kept running if you could.”

 

“Do not say that.” Lexa feels the tears prickling, feels her eyes burn from the pressure.

 

“But it’s true! You _ran away_ . You thought leaving would help and I understand why. I’m not mad at you for that because honestly, I would’ve done the same. I just wish you came back solely for _us_ , not _that_ ,” Lexa knows better than to address the frail break to her best friend’s voice and swallows down a lump at Anya’s gesture to her arm.

 

“I know, and I’m sorry,” Lexa nearly cries those words out, but she has too much pride to do that. This isn’t supposed to be this way. She told herself she’d be happy, that she’d avoid conflict if she could. But, she _also_ knew it’d be inevitable.

 

“I know, Lex.”

 

They meet up with the realtor agent. He’s fake smiles and fake excitement, but still manages well with appearing so. Anya shows her opinions ratherly strongly and doesn’t even leave space for Lexa to give her own input. Not like she really cares anyways. Anya is probably best suited for these decisions.

 

“You like this one, Lex?”

 

“Oh, you finally asked me?” That earns a jab and a glare but it was very much worth it. “I like it. I think Aden would appreciate the view,” Lexa says that part more to herself as they look over the valley before them.

 

“Right? Plus, you got a good size backyard for a dog and you get a pool. Gotta keep that Navy Seal in you.” It’s a terrible joke and Lexa only scowls.

 

The realtor agent looks like his smile will just permanently be there by the looks of it. Lexa honestly just had enough of his chirpy voice and too wide of smiles and agreed on the house. But, it’s really not that bad. Three bedrooms, three bathrooms, nice backyard, a room she can set up as a gym. It’s rather perfect. More than enough space for her and Aden.

 

“Let’s see the deal then,” Anya says and they follow the man back inside the house to fill out papers he just so happened to already have.

 

~+~+~+~+~

 

“Well, it’s not like you have much anyways.”

 

“Yeah, you’re right. My boxes are still here?” Lexa lands on her bed with a huff, hands going to her temples to ease the tension there.

 

“It’s not like I would have thrown them out.”

 

“I don’t know about that, you can be an ass sometimes.” Anya hits the soldier’s knee and sits beside her, but suddenly her expression falters and Lexa knows she won’t like this.

 

“Lex, you know what we have to talk about.”

 

“What are you talking about?” Lexa directs her gaze to the wall.

“You can’t pretend to be naive and shit, Lex. You have to face facts. Don’t think I didn’t notice you haven’t mentioned any of their names. _Especially_ you know who. I can’t even say her name!” Anya throws her hands up exasperated and Lexa knows she’s losing her patience. It’s pathetic, she knows. She’s being a coward and running all over again. But, what can she possibly say about the girl she still loves more than anything? The girl who didn’t intend on waiting for her and hated the idea of her joining the Navy. That same girl who was begging and sobbing for Lexa to stay.

 

“Just talk to me, okay? You’re my sister and my best friend. I care about you. You know I supported you despite what they all had to say. I did because I love your stupid ass self and trust your decisions,” Anya murmurs and she grips onto Lexa’s limp hand, trying to get her to understand. “I’m not them.”

 

Lexa gives Anya a long look. Of course Anya is right. She always has been. Lexa hates how this makes her feel. She hates the queasiness in her stomach, the tightening of her chest and how hard it is to think about them. About _her_. It’s as if she’s walking on her own eggshells. Lexa wasn’t like this before. She wasn’t one to abandon the people she loves, to shut them out when she needs them. Her heart was tender and open. It was so vulnerable, but strong and eager to love and nurture. Lexa was happy. So damn happy.

 

“Ahn, it’s just hard, okay? I just don’t want to talk about this right now,” Lexa whispers and damn herself for going against everything she said about being this way.

 

“Just remember that even though you were in the Navy, doesn’t mean you’re invincible.” Anya leaves the room and Lexa is alone with her own thoughts for the night.

 

During the night, she’s restless as usual. She curls into herself only to stretch out, and fidgets every so often while trying to fix her pillows. There’s a sheen layer of sweat on her skin and she throws the blanket in a fit. Completely exhausted and angry with how this is going. With an aggravated grunt, she decides a nice shower is due.

 

Considering she’s no longer on a ship, she’s more than glad to take as long as a shower as she wants. Lexa slowly scrubs herself, eyes solely focused on the cold tiles beneath her. She can’t help but compare to what used to be like when she was serving. She no longer has to take two minute showers in locker room esque bathrooms, she isn’t crammed in a mess hall anymore. She can back out of her seat without worrying about there being another chair hitting hers. Normalcy is back. She can maybe get the life she was supposed to have. But, she’d be lying if she said there’s something rather important missing from what she wants to be classified as normal.

 

_“Alright, this is how showering works: rinse, wash, and rinse in a span of two to three minutes, alright?” Jared Rodriguez is her petty officer. He’s broad shoulders and average in height and an obvious softy when it comes to the first years on the ship. All Lexa knows is that he can hold long conversations and has been serving in the Navy for six years already._

 

_“Thank you, sir,” Lexa nods politely and grips onto her clothes rather tightly. She’s nervous of course. Never did she expect to be here in this position. So far, the people she has met are kind and welcoming, offering their help._

 

_“Trust me, you’ll get the hang of this, Woods. You made it, right? That wasn’t out of pure luck, kid.” Her officer leaves on that note and Lexa breathes out a weight she didn’t realize she was carrying._

 

With a sigh, Lexa finishes rinsing herself and tries to let go of the laughter filled locker room she shared with friends. Hopelessly tries to ignore the sharp pain in her chest and instead busies herself with changing. When she’s back in the room, that’s when she realizes how late, or early she supposes. Instead of waking up her two siblings, she changes once again into suitable clothing to run. While tying her sneakers, she blasts the music in her earbuds, not wanting to hear anything around her. It’s just her and herself only right now.

 

The Sun has just started to rise, the light peeking over the mountains. Every direction you look in, there’s a range of mountains and hills, serving as protection but she feels anything but safe. There’s no way to run from here. No matter how far she goes, she’ll just be blocked. Lexa knew that by coming back here, there’d be no way back out. Anya and Aden for sure would make sure she doesn’t go anywhere. Herself? Lexa doesn’t regret coming back home, but there are for sure some regrets around. It’s a matter of time before she faces her old group of friends. Especially before she faces the girl she broke five years ago.

 

So, she runs. She runs as far as she can despite knowing she won’t get far. It’s what she’s best at now. Before she was oceans away, but now, everyone who probably wants her dead are only miles and even houses away. Lexa was just always meant to come back.


	2. Chapter II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for any mistakes and typos (:

“You stink, go take a shower.” Anya practically shoves Lexa into the bathroom and slams the door shut. Not before tossing the soldier’s clothes into the shower of course. 

 

“Now my clothes are wet!”

 

“And? You already look sweaty anyways.”

 

Lexa grunts but still takes her shower before emerging back into the living room.

 

“Hey, I forgot to ask where to put my—” Lexa freezes in her tracks, eyes wide and heart beating too quick.

 

“Hey, Lex.” Luna Rivers still looks the same from when she last saw her in a photo. Her hand is linked with Anya’s, eyebrow raised. As if she’s either waiting for an explanation for her return or just a courteous greeting. 

 

“Hi.” Lexa cringes at the crack in her voice and Anya seems to find it just as bad. 

 

“Well, don’t I deserve a hug?” Lexa feels her eyes sting because of course Luna won’t force her to explain. Because she may have been indifferent when she left, but she never swore curses in her face much like the others. So, Lexa sinks into her arms and tightly winds her arms around the woman’s neck.

 

“I’m sorry.” It’s all Lexa really knows to say at this point.  _ I’m sorry for leaving. I’m sorry for missing the wedding. I’m sorry for not being there for you.  _

 

“We talked about this already, Lex. No more apologies, okay?” Luna murmurs the words, hands coming up to rub soothing circles across Lexa’s trembling spine and back.

 

“Yeah, okay,” she says and finally detaches herself. 

 

“Ahn told me what happened.” 

 

“Not surprised.” Lexa squints her eyes at her sister who just casually looks away.

 

“How is your arm? It must’ve been bad enough to not have to go back anytime soon.” Luna’s hand skims over the exact spot and Lexa feels chills erupt from the source and down every nerve. She flinches away from Luna’s touch and her and Anya both share a worried glance.

 

“I mean, there’s a chance I could go back, but very slim,” Lexa tries to explain some more, but then she feels nauseous. It’s as if she can feel it all over again. Or, at least remember as much as she can. She feels a headache coming on already and clutches at her head, pressing her thumbs against her temples.

 

“Lex? Hey, what’s wrong?” Anya’s voice is quieter than Lexa thinks it should be, but she can’t focus on that. Sitting down is what she should focus on. Right away, Luna helps her sit on the sofa and is sure to avoid her left arm.

 

“I’m okay, I get headaches like this sometimes,” Lexa waves off Anya and lets out a deep sigh. 

 

“Is this normal? Should you go to a doctor?” Luna cuts in. Her eyes are frantically flickering over Lexa’s body. Anya though, shows her concern through steely eyes and a stern grip on her shirt. And God, does Lexa hate feeling like this. 

 

“No, it’s okay. It passes.” 

 

“Lex, are you sure? Do you need aspirin?” Luna though is already heading into the bathroom, searching the medicine cabinet. 

 

Anya stares at her, trying to read her best friend and sister. Lexa can see the inner turmoil there, the conflict on whether to trust Lexa or take matters into her own hands. But, before she can open her mouth, Luna swoops back in with a glass of water and nearly hits Lexa’s nose as she urges her to swallow the pill. 

 

“Lun, you’re going to break her nose,” Anya scolds, and tugs her wife back. 

 

But, as soon as Lexa has a grasp on the cup, it drops as fast as she got it. The other two jump back. Luna is frantic, already going back into the kitchen as fast as possible, but Anya stares at her best friend, eyes wide. 

 

“Lex, your arm,” Anya steps over the glass, trying to avoid stepping on the shards of glass. She hesitantly touches Lexa’s arm,  attempting to soothe the trembling. It’s shaking just as badly as a leaf. 

 

“It’s fine, it—that happens sometimes too.” Lexa even tries to get it to stop, but it works to no avail. Her nerves refuse to stop, causing her arm to spasm awkwardly. 

 

“This isn’t okay,” Anya nearly breaks. Lexa can see it in her eyes. The unconditional care, the gloss appearing and filling her eyes. She looks as if she’s trying her best to be strong for Lexa, to show that it’ll be okay when they both know it won’t be. Because life sucks and Lexa admits that some of this is karma. Because Lexa tried to reassure Clarke that they’d be okay, that she’d make it okay, but it really wasn’t. 

 

“Just—“

 

“You need to get to the hospital,” Luna appears out of nowhere, the glass magically gone already. Compared to Anya, she’s a mess. Hot tears are streaming, replacing the shards that was scattered about on the floor. Lexa nearly forgot how close her and Luna used to be. Their group grew up together, took care of each other despite ages varying. But Luna refused to leave Lexa’s side. She saw the brunette as someone to admire and was determined to be just as strong and smart as her. Well, Lexa wishes no one would be like her at this point. 

 

“No,” Lexa strains to say, but Anya doesn’t seem to want to listen to her sister anymore either. Eventually, they manage to get Lexa in the car and head to the hospital much like they said. But, the entire time, Lexa dreads going there. Considering her luck, she rather withstand the sharp, pinching pain than possibly see the Griffins. Her head tilts back, and she grits through, fighting the urge to squeeze her arm only to make it worse. 

 

“C’mon,” Anya helps her inside and Luna rushes to a nurse, explaining the situation and gesturing to Lexa. Her arm has calmed down within the past thirty minutes or so, but the pain is still throbbing and she feels her eyes burn as she bites back her sobs. 

 

It doesn’t take long for her to be ushered into a room. There wasn’t too many people to begin with here. Anya impatiently taps her foot, and Luna has her hand reassuringly on her wife’s thigh as they sit. At the sound of a voice, Lexa looks up and she wishes she never did. If possible, the ache in her gut is as agonizing as the pain in her arm. She feels all that weight, all that longing and emotions she’s felt for years plummet into her stomach. Her heart hurts and wails and Lexa can’t do anything to fix it up. 

 

“Lexa.” Clarke breathes her name out and Lexa never thought she’d get to hear that same raspy voice again. 

 

“Clarke, it’s her arm,” Luna cuts in, sparring Lexa the inept mumbling and silence that would’ve followed. 

 

“What’s wrong?” Lexa sees Clarke swallow down a lump. She witnesses a familiar habit of straightening out her shoulders, willing her eyes to harden. It makes the twisting in her gut even worse. 

 

“There was—“ Anya starts, but Lexa has other plans. 

 

“Just a typical muscle spasm.” Clarke looks as if she has to force herself to face Lexa. Obviously it’s the last thing she wanted to do. Hesitantly, she walks up to Lexa and the brunette can’t look into those eyes she saw every night before falling asleep. It hurts too much. She feels guilt for hurting Clarke, but she has her reasons and stands by them. If she were to be asked for an apology, Lexa wouldn’t say she really regrets her decision. Just simply wishes it didn’t have to be that why. 

 

“It doesn’t look like it. Can I touch it?” Lexa nods stiffly and Clarke looks just as tense from what the brunette can tell, yet still remains professional. 

 

Clarke gently rolls up Lexa’s long sleeve and her touch is strictly professional. Not because she wants to soothe Lexa. Not because she wants to comfort her necessarily like how she used to. But, because this is her job and no matter who it is—Lexa knows Clarke Griffin would do whatever she can to help a person. Unsurprisingly, her nerves still continue to jump around, as if they don’t know what they’re doing or what’s going on. Lexa finds it unnerving (no pun intended of course). 

 

“How long has this been happening?” Clarke asks Anya and Luna specifically. 

 

“Almost an hour or so,” Anya says gruffly and Lexa sees something akin to tenderness for the older girl in Clarke’s eyes before it’s gone. 

 

“Muscle spasms can happen if the person isn’t hydrated or overuses their muscles. It should be fine if she stretches her muscles cautiously and apply heat to it. Like heat packs or a warm bath.” 

 

Luna and Anya both nod. They wait for something. Anything between the two past best friends because who knows when they’ll see each other again. Not being able to take it, Anya shoots her sister a glare and juts her chin out towards Clarke. Lexa knows what she means. She knows she wants her to at least  _ try  _ to talk to Clarke, but where does she start?

 

“Clarke—“

 

“You can come back if there’s any more issues.” And Lexa wishes she could ignore the sinking disappointment too. 

 

~+~+~+~+~

 

“Alright, you need to speak up sooner or later,” Anya slams the front door of Lexa’s house shut. As impatient as ever, she crosses her arm across her chest, tapping her foot and wanting answers.

 

“Please elaborate.” Lexa rounds the island counter and places the box back onto the floor. 

 

“Don’t make this take longer than it should, Alexandria.” 

 

“Wow, you’re really serious if you use my first name.”

 

“ _ Explain _ .” 

 

Lexa is exhausted. She’s worn out and can barely get out of bed without struggling. Fighting with Anya is not something she needs right now. 

 

“You know about my injury, right?” Lexa plays with her fingers, avoiding Anya’s steely stare. 

 

“Of course.”

 

“It was more serious than I made it seem. Five to six degree nerve damage. Tried surgery, but it didn’t get far. They did what they could, but...it’s permanent. Unless if some miracle happens, I’m stuck with this arm,” Lexa’s voice is hushed and weak. She just wants this interrogation to be over. She simply wishes she didn’t have to talk about this because sadly, Anya is right when she claimed Lexa came back sooner just because of her arm. 

 

“Lex…” Anya closes the distance and without any wasted second, she pulls her sister and best friend into her arms. Lexa can’t help but melt into the embrace, eagerly drinking in the much needed warmth and comfort. 

 

“The stupid metal beam cut deeper than they thought. Fucked up the nerves in my arms.” Lexa laughs. Full on laughs with dry sand in her throat. “I was unlucky I suppose, but lucky enough to be alive.” Anya’s hold tightens, and Lexa’s voice is muffled by her sister’s now damp shirt. 

 

“I don’t think I can talk about it more right now, Ahn.” It’s a plea. She’s begging Anya to not have to go back yet. It’s too much. She can’t handle sinking back into those memories she knows are there. Lexa isn’t strong enough right now. She’s not that girl anymore. 

 

“It’s okay, you don’t have to.” Anya keeps Lexa at arm’s length, hands gripping on her shoulders. And Lexa swears she saw a tear slip. 

 

“Thank you, for being patient  _ enough _ .” Anya playfully jabs her shoulder. 

 

“Of course, someone has to keep you in line.”

 

Wordlessly, Anya helps Lexa unpack more boxes. And later, Aden joins after coming back from school. Without realizing it, it’s already evening and Anya says her farewell with a group hug. Lexa is drained. She has been since she first came back. But, seeing Clarke just made it so much harder to breathe. Seeing those rich blue eyes in person again made her heart stutter just like when they were teenagers. Being around Clarke still makes her mind race and stomach flutter. Lexa is still hopelessly in love and Clarke can’t even handle looking straight into her eyes. 

 

Clarke Griffin is still her everything and more. Lexa knows she showed her care and love in one of the worst ways possible. Probably the worst actually. She left meaning to make things easier and better for them, but, she also did it because everything was far too much. 

 

“Can we have pizza for dinner? We don’t have food,” Aden asks and sways back and forth on the balls of his feet.

 

“Yeah, order online and put my number.” He salutes her and scurries off to his laptop, grinning as he orders as much food as possible. Lexa doesn’t have the heart in her to deny him anything he wants. She owes him a lot. She knows she has a lot to make up for. Not just for him or Anya or even their friends, but for Clarke. Especially for Clarke. 

 

~+~+~+~+~

 

“So, your arm feels better?” Luna asks as she applies the heat pack to soldier’s arm. 

 

“Yeah, thank you again.” Lexa refuses for them to see the scar and instead turns her arm into herself as she eases her nerves. She isn’t ready. Sometimes she can’t even look at it herself. 

 

“Of course, we still care about you, Lex. We never stopped,” Luna murmurs and gives Lexa’s hand a gentle squeeze before going back into the living room to help Anya unpack. 

 

Lexa slowly swings her legs on the counter, feet causing soft thuds with each movement against the island. She’s been lost in her own world lately. Everyday she wakes up anticipating when she’ll have to face Clarke again. When she’ll for sure have to see her old friends. Some days she doesn’t wake up in a cold sweat. If she takes enough melatonin pills, she stays knocked out the entire night and she’s grateful to have some energy for another day. Sometimes, she feels like she’s ready and that she can get back on her feet and fight. But, there’s also times when she lets her past eat her up and she’s stranded in square one. Lexa may not want to fight, but she’s not determined enough to run anymore. She has hope that eventually she’ll wake up with vigor and a will to tread on and face her fears. Lexa can only hope.

 

“Alright, well, you need furniture. Like, a shit ton of furniture. You don’t have anything considering you enlisted as soon as you could. You don’t have pots, pans, cups or plates. There’s no beds for either you and Aden and no sofas. So far, you’re a terrible guest also and only get take out for us,” Anya lists on and Lexa rolls her eyes in response, already grabbing her wallet and stuffing it in her back pocket.

 

“Yeah, yeah just lead me.” Luna looks too amused for Lexa’s liking and she nudges the girl who just snickers.

 

~+~+~+~+~

 

Lexa forgot if IKEA was always this big. Then again, she hasn’t been here for quite some time and apparently this is a new one in Burbank. 

 

“Well aren’t we just typical lesbians,” Anya says as if to remind everyone. Lexa pushes her sister away by her cheek once she swings her arm around her. 

 

“Awh, does Lex not like being a stereotypical lesbian?” Luna giggles and Lexa causes the cart to swerve into a sofa. 

 

“Shut up you asshole, and I thought Rae was annoying.” 

 

And that gets everyone to stop. Lexa especially. Her face pales, eyes wide. Raven Reyes. The girl she met in elementary school because Raven lived right next door to her. They used walkie talkies even though their rooms were right across from each other. Raven told her a science fact of the day and Lexa listened eagerly because seeing Raven so happy made her happy. Out of everyone, she was the one that understood Lexa’s rambling and intellectual level. She liked what Lexa had to say about how classic books should be appreciated more by their generation and the movies did no justice. She listened to Lexa when she went on and on about Clarke especially. So, when Raven didn’t understand her reason for leaving, she was crushed. 

 

“Well, let’s find you and Aden a bed first.” Lexa is beyond grateful for Luna and they do just that. It takes longer than it should’ve for them to decide on bedroom sets and even longer when it came to bedsheets.

 

“The bedsheets should complement the color of your walls. I refuse to let you live in a bland, boring house,” Luna also says and Anya just shrugs at her. 

 

Luna isn’t any better when it came to sofas and tables and chairs. She was insistent on helping Lexa organize and decorate her house. 

 

“Babe, it’s already—” 

 

“This needs to be perfect. Okay, wouldn’t this look nice in Aden’s room? I think you should get this. He loves books, right?” 

 

“Luna—”

 

“And I think these sofas are comfy, right?”

 

“Luna, we should probably—”

 

“This will look so good with the wood floors!”

 

Anya though, visibly shows her impatience and yanks the cart away from her wife. She speeds around the other customers, Lexa hot on her trail with Luna shouting vaguely in the background. Luckily, they pay for everything they were able to before Luna has a say. 

 

“C’mon, you can’t be that upset.” Luna has flat out ignored her wife for the past twenty minutes. 

 

“Lex, help me out here!”

 

“I’m driving. Can’t talk.”

 

“That’s no damn excuse. You’re talking right now!”

 

“No I’m not.”

 

“You’re such a child!”

 

“No, I’m not!” 

 

“Are too!”

 

And they finally make it back to Lexa’s house with a few grumbling and slamming of car doors. 

 

~+~+~+~+~

 

“Lex?” 

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Will you—” Aden takes a breath, knowing very well that this is a sensitive topic. 

 

“Will you ever talk to Clarke? And see Rae and O?” Lexa tries not to let her discomfort show and instead focuses on the movie before them. 

 

“I don’t know.” 

 

It’s the truth though. Lexa really doesn’t know if she will. She doesn’t know if they’ll ever sort out this entire ordeal. She doesn’t even know if she wants to fix this. 

 

“But, didn’t you love Clarke?” Aden sounds just as distraught as she feels internally. It makes her feel disgusted with herself for causing her own brother to get involved with her own issues. Not only that, but she hates how relentless this guilt and knot of pain is. 

 

“I did,” she croaks out. 

 

“Then, why?” 

 

“I left because I love her, and it hurt too much to stay.” 

 

“But, that can’t be the only reason. What is it?”

 

Lexa doesn’t answer that. She just pretends he never asked and goes on as if everything is okay. It’s sad at this point because all of them know none of this is okay. 

 

“Don’t you have school tomorrow?” 


	3. Chapter III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really suck at updating and I apologize for the long wait, but here it is (:

“Tell Mr. Kane I said hi, okay?” Lexa drives up to her old high school and playfully pushes Aden out of her car. 

 

“I will, I will, but as long as you promise I’ll have an actual bed when I come home,” he squints his eyes at her before joining his awaiting friends by the flagpole. Lexa doesn’t drive away immediately though. She watches the kids scurrying onto the campus, parents driving in and out the parking lot. High school seems so far away now. She doesn’t know if five years is a lot of time, but it sure feels like it.

 

Lexa remembers the first day of freshman year. Her and Raven were already at school by the time Octavia and Clarke dragged themselves in. None of them had classes together and she can still feel Clarke clinging onto her, complaining about not seeing her as much as she’d like. Lexa knows that if she peered into the school and past the fence, she’d find their lunch spot there. A graffiti filled table that felt like sandpaper beneath her hands. It’d waddle back and forth whenever Bellamy and Lincoln sat on one end and it was only Raven on the other side. 

 

During lunch, Clarke would spend her time drawing and if she wasn’t, then she’d be showing Lexa and the rest all of her new drawings. But, only Lexa got to see the personal, dark ones. They weren’t clean like her typical work. They were made up of harsh lines of charcoal and sometimes scratches of ink pens. Even though they may have been a bit harder to understand, Lexa never got enough of them. Because sometimes in the shadows of Clarke’s room, her best friend broke down a little bit and explained her art. She told Lexa of how she hated her weight and she hated her curves because the girls made fun of her for them in the sixth grade. Especially about how she didn’t feel pretty enough, or good enough. One time she told Lexa about a few nicks to her thighs and the brunette held Clarke as she fell asleep with puffy eyes and stiff cheeks.

 

High school was the best and worst time of Lexa’s life. Freshman and sophomore year was about figuring out where she belonged in that mess of hormones and confusion. It was mostly filled with all of them gossiping and telling each other of their crushes. But, Lexa didn’t have any. All she had was her friends and that was more than enough. Then, junior year came and they were all becoming concerned with college and careers. Bellamy, and Anya graduated when they were freshmen. Lincoln followed the year after along with Echo. Octavia was lost, Clarke didn’t know what her calling was and Jasper already planned to go traveling after graduating. Monty, Lexa, Luna and Raven had everything in order. Well, that was until Lexa secretly talked to Navy recruiters at the end of that school year.

 

At first, Lexa wasn’t serious about it. She just wanted to have an open mind to everything and received the information she needed. The Navy wasn’t something she planned at all and pushed it aside. The plan was to major in literature and minor in poli-sci. Everything was perfect. But, Clarke found Finn when they were secretly dating and Lexa’s Dad came back and—The sound of a car honk startles her out her thoughts and Lexa quickly drives away to the grocery store with trembling hands.

 

“Lexa.” Clarke’s eyes widen. Lexa sees something in her eyes, something that wasn’t there before and she hates to think that there’s somewhat of an apology in there.  _ I don’t regret leaving _ . Lexa missed Clarke. She missed her more than anything. She just wonders if Clarke missed her too. 

 

“Clarke.” Lexa is at a loss of words. Because instead of fretting over her arm in the hospital, she’s now worrying about what to say to her secret ex girlfriend and ex best friend in front of a fucking grocery store. She knows she should try. She should be the bigger person, right? But, even that doesn’t feel right as she looks at Clarke right after she reminisced in memories filled with her. Clarke was one of the reasons she left and damn her for making Lexa question whether to fight or fly. 

 

“You live around here?” Clarke practically chokes the words out and Lexa tightens her grip on her bag. Now Clarke can look at her.  _ Because she felt guilty before.  _ Without Anya or Luna, Clarke doesn’t have to feel so guilty for not talking to their friends about something she should’ve.  _ Because I’m the bad guy.  _

 

“Hate to say I do.” Clarke looks startled for a moment, and she swallows down the words that are for sure about to pour out. Lexa doesn’t know what to feel. Hate because even she began to believe she was in the wrong? Or try to feel empathy for leaving everyone in the first place. It was a lot better when she didn’t have to see Clarke. Hell, she was a mess coming back, but now being in front of the girl she loved and adored again—fuck logical thinking. 

 

“Is your arm okay?” 

 

“Yeah, it’s good now, doctor,” Lexa’s words are clipped and she can see even see Clarke struggle with the same issues. She can’t even seem to decide on what to feel right now. Because they both fucked up. They both left and they both tore each other up. 

 

“Well, if there’s any more issues, stop by okay?” With a stiff nod, Lexa brushes past the blonde and that’s it. 

 

~+~+~+~+~

 

“Do you talk to Raven and them anymore?” Lexa murmurs. 

 

“Sometimes, but not as often considering we’re all working or going about life separately,” Anya takes a sip of her beer and watches Luna attentively as she plays pool with a few regulars here. 

 

“Do they—“

 

“Talk about you? Yeah, sometimes. Clarke has her bad days here and there with y’know…” Lexa’s glad Anya doesn’t elaborate and nods. “Rae and them though? It’s not as bad anymore I suppose. We’ve all grown up, but I’m not going to sugarcoat it and say everyone forgives you.”

 

Lexa traces the rim of her glass of water with her finger. Does she tell Anya? Does she tell her why she  _ really  _ enlisted? Because being back in LA—all she has felt is shit. She hates she hurt Clarke, hates she hurt their friends especially. Hates that she wasn’t there for Aden the most. It’s so much hate and pain and Lexa doesn’t want to be the bad guy. But she became just that because of Clarke. She loved her and they had something, right? So, why? Why did this all happen?

 

“Ahn, I need to talk to you.”

 

~+~+~+~+~

 

They’re back at Lexa’s house. Luna decided to go home and Aden is fast asleep as Lexa and Anya lounge around outside. Out here, she can breathe. God knows she won’t be able to when she tries to explain everything. But, if she wants to get somewhere, she should talk to someone, right?

 

“I didn’t just leave because of our messed up family, Ahn. I didn’t just leave because Clarke got—because she got pregnant by him. I—” Without even realizing it, Lexa began to tremble. She tries to take deep breaths but it’s so hard to catch air. Anya’s eyebrows furrow, lips tilted down as she tries to ease Lexa’s nerves. 

 

“Hey, calm down. You don’t have to explain right now,” Anya reassures but Lexa isn’t taking that. She can do this. She can talk and sort things out like a strong person. 

 

“Me and Clarke were together. We were—we had something going on without you guys knowing.” Anya’s eyes widen ever so slightly. 

 

“You were dating? Why didn’t you guys tell us from the beginning?” Lexa nearly flinches at the bite in Anya’s voice. Lexa knows she feels betrayed and hurt because her sister couldn’t even tell her that after five years. 

 

“Ahn—”

 

“Just please explain, okay? I don’t want to get mad right when you’re finally talking about it.” Anya leans forward in her chair and places her hand on her best friend’s shoulder. 

 

“We never said anything because Clarke wasn’t out to anyone. She just wasn’t ready and I wasn’t going to push her. So, we started to date one night after I confessed to her. It was for three months or so, but then—then,  _ Finn  _ was there at a party we were at. I lost Clarke at some

point when I was out in the backyard with you and the group.” Anya’s lips twist, eyes flickering across Lexa’s face and she knows Anya probably has it figured out, but if she can’t explain this herself, then she can’t move on. 

 

“You guys didn’t know we were already together. So, when I found out her and Finn hooked up, I was broken,” Lexa coils into herself, reliving that same dull ache in her chest. She gapes like a fish before mumbling even more. 

 

“She cheated on me and then, that’s when I started to distance myself from everyone. I decided to join the Navy in the end and I convinced myself it was for Clarke and her kid. I tried to tell myself it was to support Mom and her health bills. I  _ tried _ , but I ran. I ran just like you said because I couldn’t see the girl I love and the living proof of the night she cheated on me. I couldn’t stay home knowing Dad was out of jail and could easily find me. I couldn’t, Ahn. I couldn’t stay.”

 

Lexa breaks. She finally breaks and opens after years of being so alone and broken and worn out. It hurts and feels good all at once. It’s out there. Her reasons are out and she should feel free. She should, but she doesn’t. 

 

“Lex…you could’ve talked to me. You could’ve…” Anya’s eyes start to well up with tears and she practically pulls Lexa into her lap, enveloping her sister in a hug. “You didn’t have to be alone. No wonder your feelings are so fucked up. You’ve been fighting with what to feel when it comes to Clarke.” She let’s Lexa’s tears soak her shirt, she lets her best friend wail and cling onto her shoulder, nails digging into skin. Lexa can’t find it in herself to care for what she looks like because Anya has always understood. 

 

“I don’t know Ahn. One minute I hate Clarke and want to blame her for everything, but then I feel like shit because I really left everyone and that was on my terms. I…I left our family and friends. I—”

 

“Shut the fuck up, Lex. You didn’t deserve that. You can be angry. You can feel pain and you don’t have to justify your feelings. We all run from things we know will hurt us. It’s normal. But, you have to talk to her. If not her—then talk to everyone else first. You have to start somewhere and I’m going to stay by your side the entire time.” Lexa nods into her shoulder and Anya holds her until she falls asleep. 

 

~+~+~+~+~

 

Lexa wakes up in another cold sweat along with a sharp pain in her arm. It gets too much at times. When she’s lucky, the pain turns into a numbing ache, but then there’s times when it’ll be pins and needles for hours and even days. The doctors tried and Lexa doesn’t blame them for not being able to fix everything. It could’ve been worse she’s sure. Hesitantly, her fingertips trace over her glistening skin to meet up at the jagged, wide and slightly puffy scar across her forearm. It curls around and dips and Lexa can’t help but think about how ugly it is. She can’t even look at something part of her own body. Lexa swings her legs over the edge of her bed and heads into the kitchen. She rummages through the medicine cabinet till she finds aspirin. 

 

It’s early in the morning from what she can tell. The Sun is beginning to kiss the slopes and tips of the mountains. The light dances across the wooden floor and Lexa watches the gentle movement. It’s been a week since she talked to Anya on the phone and two since she last saw her. After that kind of confession, Lexa can’t meet her sister’s eyes. She knows Anya still supports her and still understands. Hell, she’s not even upset with her for not telling her she and Clarke dated. Out of everyone, Anya stuck by her side and Aden did too without any full explanation. She doesn’t regret leaving. She’s glad she met amazing people in the Navy and learned and traveled. Lexa is beyond happy knowing she was able to help her Mom live a little bit longer. Maybe it’s not completely okay because she didn’t leave for those exact reasons. But, she helped. 

 

After swallowing down the pills, she decides to make breakfast earlier than usual just so she’ll have more time with Aden. 

 

“You finished breakfast before I got ready,” Aden notices and grins at her. He hops onto the stool and gladly eats the food prepared for him on the counter. 

 

“I thought we could talk a bit more before I drive you to school.” Lexa sets up her own plate and sits beside her brother. She smiles at his eager expression and she can see the questions piling on and on in his head. 

 

“Are you gonna get a job here?” Aden asks and so far, she still doesn’t know where to go. The Navy was it for her. She was planning on even being a recruiter when she returned after her time. She only had one more year before the accident. Before everything went to hell. 

 

“I’ve thought about it, but right now I’m just trying to get used to this kind of life again. I never cooked on the ship so my cooking is obviously not up to par anymore,” she grins at him and Aden mirrors it. 

 

“I’d say it’s decent enough to eat. I haven’t gotten sick yet.”

 

“Yeah,  _ yet _ .” 

 

“How was boot camp? Isn’t it really hard?”

 

“Yeah, it definitely was. It was…painful and tiresome for sure.” 

 

“You think I’d make it in the Navy?” Lexa feels a swell of pride, but a pool of dread in her stomach. Her little brother in the military? Aden is strong for sure and definitely passionate. He’d do whatever it takes to graduate from boot camp and work his ass off to get where she was. But the thought of him possibly enduring what she has makes her sick.

 

“For sure you would and if you really want to join, then I’d support you.” And she means it with every fiber in her being. 

 

Like usual, she drives him to school. They typically don’t talk in the car. It’s a silent agreement that it’s peacetime and the time when Aden listens to his music. It’s ten minutes of pure serenity. Lexa can’t help but take glances of Aden every so often. He’s just as ambitious and positive as she remembers. She can’t protect him from everything. Hell, she wishes she could but then he wouldn’t grow up. He wouldn’t be prepared for the road ahead of him. 

 

“Alright, I’ll be in the parking lot of the grocery store.” Aden nods and gives Lexa a brief hug before rushing out the car. 

 

After a few hangouts at home, Lexa learned about his group of friends. It’s not as big as hers was. But she definitely has a soft spot for Lily, Holland, and Quinn. Lily is shy and sweet; whereas Holland tries his best to be a man much like Bellamy and Quinn is a sarcastic smartass who reminds Lexa too much of Raven. 

 

With a parting wave, Lexa instead heads in the direction of Anya and Luna’s house. There’s a twist in her gut and she doesn’t know if she wants to see Luna or not. She hasn’t done anything wrong. God, Luna has done everything right. But, she doesn’t think she’s ready to talk to someone else. She will eventually. She has to. 

 

“Lex,” Anya is breathless when she brings Lexa into her arms. 

 

“Hey Ahn.” Lexa didn’t realize how badly she needed this kind of comfort. There’s something about Anya that has always been solid. Something she knows will always be present despite how many times she screws up. “What’s up? I didn’t know you were coming.” Lexa follows her sister into the living room, the house seemingly void of Luna. 

 

“Ah, I just dropped off Aden and I feel bad for not seeing you sooner.” 

 

“I’m not going to force you to hang out if you’re not comfortable. You’re an adult, Lexa.” 

 

“Why aren’t you mad?”

 

Anya gives her this slightly amused, incredulous stare. It’s as if she finds humor in seeing her frustrated. 

 

“What happened is in the past. I can’t change it to a time where you told me about you and Clarke. All you can do is keep going Lex.”

 

“You’re not mad?”

 

“I just said I’m not, but if it’ll satisfy you, then yes I felt a bit hurt.”

 

“A bit?”

 

“Alright, more than a bit.”

 

“Y’know,” Lexa starts. “If you were the Anya back in high school, you probably would’ve kicked my ass.” It earns a grin from Anya who lifts her chin up and nods rather proudly. 

 

“And I would still win.”

 

~+~+~+~+~

 

“No! How could you have won? You’re drunk as hell!” Lexa nearly chucks the Wii controller but instead throws her hands up in exasperation. 

 

“Skills. Pure, naturally born skills,” Anya slurs and it irks Lexa even more so. 

 

“I’m going to beat you next time, alright? This isn’t over.” 

 

“Mhm, you’re just a sore loser.”

 

Lexa grits her teeth, not wanting to edge her sister and best friend on even more over Mario Kart. So instead, she slips on her jacket and grabs her keys before giving Anya a bitter hug. 

 

Anya grabs Lexa by her clothing, holding her in place as her hot breath brushes against the soldier’s ear. “Loser.” That earns a shove and a tsk and Lexa leaves the house with a grunt and a firm frown. 

 

“What’s got you so down?” Luna’s honey voice stops her in her tracks. 

 

“Mario Kart.”

 

“Don’t sound too excited now.” Luna approaches Lexa and without any hesitance wraps her arms around her. “Don’t take it too personal, she always practices especially before Rae or O come over.”

 

Lexa tries to resist the tensing of her muscles, but Luna seems to already feel that same stress seep into her own skin. She leans back and Lexa swallows down the ache and hesitantly meets her friend’s eyes. 

 

“I’m not going to lecture you, Lex. But, you’ll be okay. You’ll be able to talk to them. All this stress—” Luna taps the side of the soldier’s head, “is in there. All you have to do is collect yourself and prepare for whatever repercussions may appear.”

 

“I don’t know how to feel about her, Luna. I want to hold her and tell her how sorry I am, but then I just want to yell at her and ask her—” Lexa’s eyes widen. 

 

“Ask her what?” Luna tilts her head, meeting Lexa’s unfocused gaze. 

 

“Nothing. It’s nothing.” She backs away, hands heavy and heart anchoring her down. Lexa can’t tell Luna yet.  _ Not yet. _

 

“Lex—” But Lexa is already quickly brushing past her old basketball teammate. 

**Author's Note:**

> also, there is past abuse in the fic, but not too detailed. if anything, it'll be a real event I had with my brother whenever it comes up in the story. I hope you have a wonderful, very gay day  
> -nyke


End file.
